Hey, my name is Mia. I'm 16 years old and have been cutting since I was 11 years old. I started in an effort to get my violent anger at my mom's husband out with out resorting to things that could get the cops called again. That day is fuzzy to me, the only clear memory of being in the bathroom with a broken disposable razor and shallow cuts on my thighs.
This...addiction has progressed and waned over the years. I have actually managed to go months without hurting myself, once 6 months, another 4. But then something will happen to cause all my feelings of anger and hate and worthlessness and pain to come back. I have a history of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, all done by people, mostly men, that I trusted, that my mother trusted. Who would have thought that my father would beat a 3-year-old or that my mom's boyfriend would molest a 4-year-old? All that on top of the extreme emotional trauma that my mom's second husband put us through, which was the spark that sent me on my path to self-injury.
My mother still has no idea that I like to hurt myself. I do other things besides cut, all in a way hurt me. I've hit myself with belts, pulled my hair, punched myself, taken too many pills, drank excessively, and done drugs. And all this goes on with the cover of a normal straight A student with a bright future.
I want to get help, but mostly I'm alone, since if I were to reveal my secret I'd most likely be locked away for a few months. At least now I have a few friends who understand, since they have or are going through the same thing. But it's still hard. No one who hasn't hurt themselves can understand the hurt that makes you cut yourself up, just so you can forget for a while all the pain. For the first 2 years of this though I was absolutely alone, up until I saw a movie where the heroine cut (Thirteen was the name), so I finally saw that I wasn't the only one who did this.
I don't do it for attention. If I cut my arms or hands, I try to hide it. And I don't do it to manipulate. The only ones who know are other self-injurers. Maybe one day I'll tell my mother, so I can get help, but I can't now. I'm trying to stop, not successfully, since I cut three days ago, but I am trying. That's all that can be asked of anyone.
