 Im Kassi, im 25 years old...i've been cutting myself since i was 11 years old...it started when my grandfather passed away...i felt like the one person who truely loved me was gone forever...i never got to say good bye to him and that hurts...i watched my family die with him...at 11 years old what was you suppose to do, all the strong adults in your life where breaking down and loosing it...i had remember see'ing a movie wish i could remember the name of it, so the day of his funeral i went into my grandma's bathroom took a razor blade and i cut, it was bliss...it was this feeling that i had never felt before...at that point in time i couldn't say it was a high feeling cause i didn't know what it felt like to be high...it was a different kind of feeling and i say i grew to love it! i soon started stealing little pity crap from people's desk's at school friends((which i am totally 100% sorry for now))...by the time i was 12 i had my first drink of vodka, wow what a feeling! |  |
 Beautiful Me:  | My other grandfather was sexually molesting me...i didn't tell on him until i was 14 years old...telling on him gave me this kind of releaf but yet this scared feeling cause my secret was out there for everyone to know....i was ashamed, guiltly, felt dirty, lonely like no one else could ever understand what i was going thru, i felt NUMB! so i started cutting even more and harder and deeper. to see the blood i knew i was alive...you cant be dead if you bleed...cutting gave me this sense of control, i could control the fact that i cut and how deep i cut, the pain inside of me i couldn't control. i cant tell you how many times i've tried to stop cutting, im in recovery now just got out of the hospital and i hope this time it works cause i dont want to keep cutting the rest of my life. its so not worth it!  Dec, of 2005 i was working at Meijers yes the joyful Meijers...i meet this guy and his son Iaan...I instantly fell in love with Iaan...he had this sweetness about him that just made you smile...his dad wasn't that bad either...we kinda started talking but nothing for certain i wasn't trying to rush into anything...so my friend Anna set up a double date to the movies with her boyfriend micheal and his friend dennis...we had a lot of fun...he was a great guy we stayed up until 5 am just talking...nothing more then that happened...i never heard from dennis again...i started dating David...everything was great...but then his anger was unleashed...and of course i hid it from everyone...about a month into the relationship he was taking me away from my family i barely seen my new nephew...i was getting headaches from hell...it was to the point that my family was noticing a change in my mood and attitude...my uncle and my dad and Anna told me they knew something was up...and thought it was best that me and David took a break from each other so i took their advice...one night i was baby-sitting at my aunt's house and anna calls me "kassi are you sitting down" my heart dropped..."no, why whats going on, just tell me anna"...this is a phone call everyone dreds reguardless who it is about..."Dennis was leaving the bar he was mugged and he and slid on some ice and hit his head...he's dead kass"...i think i blacked out for a minute...i remember picking up my phone and saying i have to go anna...we only spent that one night together just talking, but our talk is stuck in the back of my head like a broken record...i remember it all...and it will stay in my head for only us two to know forever...R.I.P. Dennis you always cross my mind! Im sorry Dennis...i do blame myself, and feel bad that we didn't work out like you wanted...i just hope you know that im truely sorry and i wish i could of changed it all.....cause then just maybe you wouldn't of been at that bar! You are truely missed everyday! a few months later i started talking to david again...but i let my guard down...he raped me in his back yard...at 2 am on June 16th...on my cousin's birthday.... ((cont later)) |
